Holy shit. It just hit me today as I was going to Wet n' Wild water park that I am leaving for band camp/college in four days. See, in order to get to the water park in Greensboro I had to go down a certain highway.. and as I was going down the highway with my best friend I was like "in exactly one week this I'll be going this way on a one-way trip". I was so anxious and excited for all of this.. but now, I'm kind of nervous. I've never been independent or anything and its a scary thought. Even though I don't like home sometimes, I like the comfort of home. I like the security I have at home.. if that makes any sense. I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.. but I didn't know it'd be coming up this fast. I knew, but I didn't really know...

I don't know. I am just really nervous that I'm going to squander this opportunity.

What a rollercoaster ride my life has been in the past few weeks. The situation with my mom got progressively worse and she eventually told me my best friend from Texas couldn't come and see me after I spent 2 weeks cleaning the house like a slave for her. I decided that if my everytime my mom and I saw each other I would just avoid her.. so I did that all of last week, and it worked out nicely.

Things with my boyfriend Josh, haven't been good either. We don't fight or anything.. but the whole situation with my mom has really messed us up. My mom can't stand him and doesn't want me dating him so its hard to see Josh. Its frustrating and my mom doesn't realize how much he means to me. We decided that since we are serious about each other than this is just a rough patch in our relationship and we CAN get through this.. together.

Yesterday I drove with my mom up to Richmond to take my brother back to school. On our way home my mom decided to drill into me again about the whole situation with Josh. She said she doesn't have any faith in me and shes never been more disappointed in me in her entire life. She said I'm not the girl she used to know. I'm sorry mom.. I grew up. I'm not a little girl anymore, and you need to let her go. And the worst part about that car ride was that it was two and a half hours. Its not like I could have jumped out of the car to escape her. The only thing I could do was go to sleep. When I woke up she just put her hand on my back and tried to hug me. She said "You know I only want whats best for you". There was about 30 minutes left of our car ride at that point. When I got home I went to the garage, and she blocked my entrance from the garage to the house. She gave me a hug and told me she loves me and that she was sorry. I can only hope that apology was sincere and that she really means it. The only thing I want is for us to be close again. And to be able to date my boyfriend and not have to hide him from my mom.

I got part of my wish. I just want the second part to come true.

And I do believe the statement: "Drunken words are sober thoughts". My friend Matt decided that it would be okay to profess his love to me. He was drunk. I told him he didn't love me and that he was drunk. He said he'd tell me the next morning when he was sober.. and sure enough, he did. I honestly don't know what to do. My boyfriend and Matt hate each other. Not because of me though. They hate each other because they have this "alpha male" mentality to them. I told Josh that Matt has been saying all of this, and surprisingly he's not mad. He's just annoyed with Matt. I just hope things don't get ugly.

Its raining right now though. Despite my fear of thunder and lightning, I love the rain. Its therapeutic and calming. I love walking in the summer rain. The air is warm but not hot. I absolutely love it when its raining and the sun is still shining. It's probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I just hope this storm doesn't last too much longer because I'd like to take a shower and I'm paranoid about showering/bathing while its storming.

Love,
Caity